Sad blog. Be warned.

I don't talk to my mom on the phone enough. I always feel guilty when I do finally sit down to talk with her, because only then do I realize how caught up in my own little world I am. My mom's been trying to get ahold of me so that we, as a family, can make Thanksgiving Day plans. So she left me a message on Sunday asking me to call her back with our availability..... And by evening time yesterday, I still hadn't called her.

So she sent me an email - one that made me sad.

My granddad, Jim Smith (Yes, it's funny because my last name is Smith now, and there is a very real but very SMALL chance that David and I could be related....), may or may not have a few more days here on earth. I won't go into the details, but basically they gave my mom and aunt two options: surgery or hospice. Either they take their chances on an operation or they send Granddad back home to live out his last days as comfortably as possible.

I know I spit those words out pretty quickly with what seems to be a complete lack of emotion. But Granddad's been weak for quite a few years, and he hasn't been capable of taking care of himself for a really long time.... He's survived two strokes, multiple falls, and the loss of his amazing and beautiful wife. It's not that he's dying that hurts my heart. (Okay, that's not entirely true, it does hurt....... ......) But what gets me most is to think about the stuff that goes along with all of this.

My mom. My sweet, sweet mom. Has to take her sister to the hospital tomorrow and they have to tell my Granddad that he's dying. And then he has to make the decision to keep living in complete and total frustration that he cannot do a single thing on his own -- or choose to let go and go home.... ......

I know that blogs are typically meant for breezey entries about weekend escapades or random contemplations on life. But this (and the craziness that is house-hunting...) is the most significant thing in my life right now. And this is my attempt to work through it and deal. A way to sort my thoughts and put them down on... well... a website for anyone out there to read.

I dunno. It's just what's on my mind.

"All that is inside me screams to come back home..."